Monday, September 14, 2009

feeling a bit down

I had started out the semester in a nice way. Getting up at 7 a.m., having breakfast and attending all the classes. That was my routine, and hell yeah, i was enjoying it. But now after 7 weeks, i am back to my old self. Although i am attending almost every class, but of what use when you get all nervous and confused at the time of the exam.
Where am i? Maybe i am lacking behind as compared to previous semesters although the courses are far more interesting and easier this time.
And then comes the big question. What can make me happy?

-A good C.G.P.A.
-A girlfriend.
-Money
-Friends And Family
Oh! god I am one confused person(everybody is). Well, who hates a good c.g.p.a, money, friends etc. but they don't make me happy. Not that they make me sad either. It is like not speaking lies does not mean you are truthful. Maybe you never speak at all. Maybe nothing can make me happy.

"बचपन में सोचा था अपना एक आशियाना होगा,
हँसी से भरा आंगन, अपनों के साथ हरदम मुस्कुराना होगा ,
चिंता न होगी, न गम होगा, मुट्ठी में यह जमाना होगा ।

पर इस मोड़ पे आ खड़े हुए हैं अब कि,
पता चलता है कि, इस सपने देखने वाले का न कोई ठिकाना होगा।"


The recent weekend had been very depressing for me. And even today as i write this , i am very confused. I screwed up 2 of my 6 subjects in the minors. And screwed up bad. One of the subjects gets tougher all the time. Do you know where the problem lies? It is that on a good day, i could have scored some decent marks in them. Now some people may argue that good day is a very vague term. But that is what i would have called it if i hadn't screwed my papers in the first place.I had prepared for them well. i had practiced enough questions, that is something i haven't done too often in my IIT life. And the very thought of myself, doing mistakes when it mattered the most, bugs the hell out me.

I had planned on enjoying this semester and also study well enough to scrape good grades. Now it is all upside down. My condition is pathetic, and i again ask myself this question, What Am I Doing In IIT? What have i gained? Where is my life heading? Maybe to some shit hole cubicle, with some files laying around.
I know i will be fine by tomorrow. I have had these phases before, but didn't have a blog then. But seriously, i AM troubled. Maybe i should go see a doctor. Maybe i should watch a movie. Maybe i should just lay around for a while. Maybe i should sleep less. Maybe i should think less. Maybe i should talk to somebody. Maybe i shouldn't. Maybe i should have a girlfriend. Maybe i am better off single. Maybe i am mad. Maybe not. Relax.
"The thoughts were all i was left with,
as i was a man, with no wealth, no possession.
My words will speak for me someday,
and as will do my actions.
Bless me, O merciful God,
the winter has just arrived."



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